I'm exhausted. And not for any good concrete reason. But from that wretched familiar who often sneaks into the center of my chest, and, when not quickly abated settles in deep, twisting and turning until every breath labors in its presence. It puts me at odds -- making my body restless, unwilling to sit still, and absorbs my mind, preventing any pursuits of constructive thought.
I discovered a couple of days ago that I may have missed an important step in applying for a residency permit to study in Italy. And may, therefore, be prevented from applying along with my classmates when we arrive in Parma (and possibly at all). I have spent the last few days checking websites, sending emails, attempting to discover if I was previously misinformed about my exemption from this step, if I simply misunderstood what I was told at the time, or if this new information is actually incorrect and I am all hunky-dory.
It's interesting, because thinking about it, I not actually that worried about obtaining the permit itself -- our semester in Italy is a short one, and if I complete my internship elsewhere and make sure I leave for Chirstmas before my Estonian permit expires, I believe I should be fine. I think my biggest fear is more that I misunderstood what I was told, more specifically, if I was the only one who misunderstood, the only one in this boat.
I keep trying to remember the discussions from last May -- our meeting, my visit to the Italian Consulate in Tallinn....trying to figure out if this is really a complete error on my part. I hate the idea that I may have erred.
But, of course, that was months ago, and in truth, it really shouldn't matter. Whether it is needed or not, whether it was misinformation or misunderstanding, makes little difference. And from the looks of things, I won't be able to discover the answer to the former until next week at the earliest. And whatever the answer, there is nothing I can do about it now it seems.
So, why all the useless worry? I have had similar frustrations and fears many, many times in my life, and even more so for the last year and a half of preparing for and traveling around Europe. And everything has managed to work out perfectly fine.
And this will work out somehow, too. I/we will figure it out and I will be happy-go-lucky again...at least until my next worry comes creeping in to play (here's to hoping it's related to my school work and not paper work!). Until then, here is the poem I found that I will be reading over and over again to myself while taking deep, soothing breathes:
The Peace of Wild Things
By Wendell Berry
"When despair grows in me
and I wake in the middle of the night at the least sound
in fear of what my life and my children's lives may be,
I go and lie down where the wood drake
rests in his beauty on the water, and the great heron feeds.
I come into the peace of wild things
who do not tax their lives with forethought
of grief. I come into the presence of still water.
And I feel above me the day-blind stars
waiting for their light. For a time
I rest in the grace of the world, and am free."
I discovered a couple of days ago that I may have missed an important step in applying for a residency permit to study in Italy. And may, therefore, be prevented from applying along with my classmates when we arrive in Parma (and possibly at all). I have spent the last few days checking websites, sending emails, attempting to discover if I was previously misinformed about my exemption from this step, if I simply misunderstood what I was told at the time, or if this new information is actually incorrect and I am all hunky-dory.
It's interesting, because thinking about it, I not actually that worried about obtaining the permit itself -- our semester in Italy is a short one, and if I complete my internship elsewhere and make sure I leave for Chirstmas before my Estonian permit expires, I believe I should be fine. I think my biggest fear is more that I misunderstood what I was told, more specifically, if I was the only one who misunderstood, the only one in this boat.
I keep trying to remember the discussions from last May -- our meeting, my visit to the Italian Consulate in Tallinn....trying to figure out if this is really a complete error on my part. I hate the idea that I may have erred.
But, of course, that was months ago, and in truth, it really shouldn't matter. Whether it is needed or not, whether it was misinformation or misunderstanding, makes little difference. And from the looks of things, I won't be able to discover the answer to the former until next week at the earliest. And whatever the answer, there is nothing I can do about it now it seems.
So, why all the useless worry? I have had similar frustrations and fears many, many times in my life, and even more so for the last year and a half of preparing for and traveling around Europe. And everything has managed to work out perfectly fine.
And this will work out somehow, too. I/we will figure it out and I will be happy-go-lucky again...at least until my next worry comes creeping in to play (here's to hoping it's related to my school work and not paper work!). Until then, here is the poem I found that I will be reading over and over again to myself while taking deep, soothing breathes:
The Peace of Wild Things
By Wendell Berry
"When despair grows in me
and I wake in the middle of the night at the least sound
in fear of what my life and my children's lives may be,
I go and lie down where the wood drake
rests in his beauty on the water, and the great heron feeds.
I come into the peace of wild things
who do not tax their lives with forethought
of grief. I come into the presence of still water.
And I feel above me the day-blind stars
waiting for their light. For a time
I rest in the grace of the world, and am free."
